I Hate That I Love You
by citigirl13
Summary: A collection of one-shots including all  or at least most of the characters  in VD.  Following the theme: "I hate that I love you."  Disclaimer: I own nothing!
1. Chapter 1

**I Hate That I Love You**

**Okay, so once again I want to remind readers that I can't promise updates. I've been pretty busy lately – I'm surprised I'm even writing this. But for some reason the story beckoned me. **

**In **_**The Vampire Diaries**_**, hate and love are both common themes. They're also intertwined between some of the characters, the most glaring characters being Delena. But I wanted to explore all the different relationships in this story, so I think I'm going to do one-shots of all characters with the theme "I hate that I love you." **

**Let me know what you think! **

**(Also, it follows no particular pattern – some characters might be written in the first or third person, depending on how I feel it would work. Once again I can't promise regular updates or even updates at all, but I will do my best) **

**xXx **

"_I hate that I loved you."_

That's what he'd said to her. She had been standing in this room, after she had told him that she had chosen Stefan. He said the words with such malice, such venom, that Katherine had to remind herself that this wasn't the Damon she had once known.

These words, at the time, hadn't bothered her. She was Katherine Pierce, for God's sake! But now they splintered in her heart as if she'd been staked.

She could recall the moment she had started falling for Damon: it was when exact moment he had turned down. She had been offering Damon sex, offering him a simple one night stand. In her head though, Katherine knew it wouldn't be that; she would once again get into Damon's head, destroy him from the inside. But then, it was all just a game.

The old Damon would have jumped her the very second she wandered in the room; but the new Damon threw her away like rubbish.

She was surprised at how much it affected her.

She didn't know how it started, but slowly she began to notice Damon. Okay, he wasn't as kind or as gentle as Stefan, but that was what she liked about him; he was exciting, unpredictable. He was also like her: he had flaws, obvious ones. But at least he wasn't perfect, like Stefan; at least she didn't have to pretend she was perfect too.

Katherine began to notice him when he walked into the room; her heart leapt every time he looked her way. He never smiled at her, though Katherine found herself dreaming about it.

She didn't know how it happened, but somehow she found herself wishing she had chosen differently.

**xXx**

The first thing he smells is the alcohol. This is a change: it's normally _him _who is drinking scotch like it's going out of fashion. He enters, wondering who has decided to break into his private stash of drinks.

_Of course. _He should have guessed. Katherine is sitting on the leather chair, an Aladdin's cave worth of drinks surrounding her. Loosely her arm flails in the air, hovering over the drinks.

"The 1930s called," Damon says. He leans against the threshold of the door. "It wants its alcohol back."

She rolls her eyes at him, like a horse gone lame. "You're so _funny_, Damon. You're so funny it kills me!" She makes a sweeping gesture, spilling bits of her drink as she goes.

He flops down beside her. "Why the sudden urge to drink yourself to death? That's my job."

She looks at him, feeling suddenly sober. "You ask as if you care."

Damon blinks.

"What?" she asks. "You can't monopolise all the pity. Throw your own pity party!"

Damon stares at her. The teasing expression has gone from his face; now he's just bemused. "You're not making any sense," he says. She knows what he's thinking: since when did she feel sorry for herself?

"You don't care," she says – whimpers. To her horror she feels as if she's going to cry – something she hasn't done in years. "I do. I _care_, Damon. But you don't..."

Suddenly she screams, hurling the glass against the wall. Damon recoils. The look on his face tells he that this is the first time he has been truly surprised in years.

"I hate you," she snarls. "I hate that you – you've made me _feel_, and I mean really _feel_, after all these years! It's not fair!" She blinks back tears – of what? Of fear, or sadness, or rage? She doesn't want to cry in front of Damon. She doesn't want to cry at all. But for the first time in years she is coming back – becoming that sweet girl that used to _feel_. And it hurts.

"What are you talking about?" Damon is still confused.

She stands, leaning in close to him. Her breath, warm and reeking of alcohol, lands on his skin. "I hate that I love you," she hisses.

Stunned – honestly, truly shocked – Damon watches as she walks up towards the stairs, taking the bottle as she goes.

Katherine figured it out though, she did; she knew why she had fallen for Damon. It was her punishment for making Damon fall for her, and then breaking his heart. Now she had lost her heart to Damon, who would never love her in return, simply because she had hurt him too badly before. And because he loved Elena.

Fucking karma.


	2. Chapter 2

**Wow – and I meant WOW. I've actually written a second chapter. I'm amazed. **

**Okay, so a few Q&A: some of you were commenting about the pairing of Katherine and Damon. The reason I did those two? I know I could have done Katherine and Stefan, but as you will probably be able to tell through reading this story (and if you've checked out my others) I LOVE Damon. **

**Besides, I thought that it would be more ironic if I had Katherine fall for Damon – as I mentioned at the end of that chapter, Katherine had fallen for Damon after she had shot Damon down. After Damon had gone through all that pain with Katherine, I thought it would be fair to have it the other way around. Besides, Damon and Katherine as a pairing have been playing through my head a bit, funnily enough. Though my favourite pairing is Elena and Damon, obviously. **

**I'm going to try do a bit on all of the characters, though I'll probably skip Jeremy and Bonnie, because this theme doesn't really fit with them (also I find Bonnie a bit dull) and probably Jenna too, because once again I'm trying to find an angel with her. I might use Alaric, but I don't know – I'll see. So far none of these one-shots will connect with each other apart from, of course, the theme.**

**I'm thinking of saving Damon/Elena and the Delena romance till last – save the best till last, as they say! I wondered how people would like me to write it? I was wondering whether combining both Damon and Elena together in one chapter, or doing a chapter each (the chapters being about how they hate/love each other). What do people think? **

**Also, if you want to comment on pairing or characters that you think would work well, let me know! I can't promise that I will write it (also, I cannot promise regular or any updates) but I don't mind people giving me ideas!**

**In this story Matt doesn't know Caroline is a vampire. I'm going to try and follow the story line of the show, but sometimes I like to have a bit of creative leeway. We'll see how it goes. **

**I would like to thank all the people who reviewed the first chapter. Thank you to you all, you've inspired me to write this chapter. THANK YOU SO MUCH. You have no idea how much they mean to me. **

**Let me know what you think! **

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING EXCEPT THIS PARTICULAR STORY LINE! I DO NOT OWN VAMPIRE DIARIES!**

**xXx **

If she was honest, Caroline didn't know who she hated most.

Matt. Oh God she loved Matt. He wasn't her first love, and she wasn't his – no, that sweet prize belonged to Elena Gilbert, of course. It amazed Caroline that after everything that she and Matt had been through (he had even said "I love you" to her!) that she was still jealous of Elena. But hey, it didn't bother her. Not much anyway.

She adored Matt. She loved how he reminded her of summer: his hair as golden as the sun; his eyes like the summer sky, without in cloud; his smile, making her feel like she was on holiday. When she was with him, it felt like she could do anything. It was just them in their world – the rest of it didn't matter.

See, it would have been easy. Before _Katherine_, everything with her and Matt was great. Better than great – _perfect_. He put up with her crazy habits, her insecurities and mindless nonsense. Even though he hadn't said those three little words yet, Caroline was confident that it was getting close. She had patience; she would wait for something that good.

And then she turned.

Ironic really. Turning into a vampire made her _better_. Through that pain, that emotional build, that constant fight _not _to kill, she became a better person. All of a sudden she was no longer second guessing herself; she was no longer bothered about what people were saying about her (as long as the v-word wasn't mentioned of course, but she didn't care if people said she was an airhead or her hair was a mess – honestly, she had bigger problems); she was _confident_.

But one thing was missing: Matt.

How could she be with him? He was human; she was a vampire. Okay, Stefan and Elena did it, but that was an exception (besides which Caroline could see the way the Stefan/Elena/Damon triangle was shaping up and she had a feeling Stefan and Elena weren't going to be the "golden couple" for very much longer). Matt didn't deserve to be lied to; he deserved the _perfect _girlfriend, one who could be honest with him; one who could give him the two kids and be the mom that took the kid's to soccer practice and didn't have to worry when one of them fell and scraped their leg.

So she did the best thing for him – she made Matt break up with her. She suffered through the pain that he went through, longing for her. That was what she suffered – his pain.

And then...there was Tyler.

She and Tyler had bonded, of course: both with a secret, both having to pretend from Matt. She helped him through the pain of the transformation; he provided her with someone to talk to. Yes, she could talk to Elena and Stefan, but it was different – they were use to this. Tyler was still learning the ropes too.

Somehow, though...it became something else.

Tyler was exciting; she didn't know what was going to happen next with him. She had loved Matt's constancy, so it surprised her when she found her heart leaping when Tyler appeared. Not knowing what he was going to say or do... Well, that was downright sexy.

But Tyler had betrayed her. Okay, she lied to him, yes, she was at fault there. But what else was she meant to do? Damon made it very clear that Tyler could not know about the rest of them – it was too dangerous. Caroline hated Damon, and yet she understood now why she had to work with him: his instincts were dead on. As soon as Tyler realised Caroline had been keeping secrets from him, she had been kidnapped and tortured.

And when she was about to be killed, Tyler just stood there. He didn't help, but stood motionless like a statue. At least Damon had come to save her; Tyler was willing to let her die.

So Caroline ended it. She said that she didn't want to be friends anymore, and slammed the door in his face. Before she could have a chance to take back what she said, Tyler disappeared. He was just gone, and Caroline didn't have a chance to tell him...

To tell him that sometimes she pretended he was right out her window, just watching her, making sure she was safe. Sometimes she didn't look out the window, because she knew she wouldn't see him and would no longer be able to pretend.

But the problem with Tyler was simple really – he wasn't Matt. Caroline _loved _Matt (Matt. NOT Tyler. Matt, she loved Matt. She didn't dare think otherwise). She loved the way he said her name; the way he teased her about her worries so she ended up laughing too; how he looked at her, as if he didn't want anyone else. Tyler couldn't do those things.

She hated that she loved Matt because she couldn't have him; she hated that she loved Tyler because he wasn't Matt and, well, he had doubted her. Matt would never have doubted her, not for one second.

"I can't tell you what to do," Stefan had said about Matt. "Look at me and Elena. I'd be a hypocrite."

Well, that information had been very useful. Surprisingly, Damon had given the best advice.

She hadn't thought he'd known. But he had seen her watching Matt at the Apple Bobbing Festival (seriously? How many events could the council come up with? Yes, there town was so active! Was it trying to disguise the fact that the death toll was higher than any small town in Virginia, or that vampires were amongst them?) and had said, "Love doesn't ask why."

He should know. The whole world knew how he felt about Elena – except Elena of course.

But neither of the brothers helped Caroline. You couldn't help a heart that was torn both ways.

Sometimes she wished she could just go and live in a nunnery. Then she wouldn't have to choose. Yet she knew that wasn't true – one day she would have to let her heart decide which one she loved.

Right now, she hated loving the both of them.


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey! **

**So here's the next chapter! This one is about Stefan and Damon. They're thoughts were so similar I decided to put them both in one chapter. I'm actually pretty proud of this chapter. That being said, I found it quite difficult to write from Stefan's POV. I find Damon much easier to write. **

**I hope you enjoy the chapter! And once again, please review! They make me happy! Also, thank you to all the people who has reviewed my story – they mean so much to me! **

**xXx **

I hate my brother.

Anyone could tell you that. Even before Elena knew what I was knew there was something going on with me and Damon. You could feel the anger and bitterness when you were around us; the jealously in each of our gazes.

Yes, I am jealous of Damon. Why? Because of how he looks(answer: everything that a woman wants); because he could gain people's trust in a simple question – even worse, a gaze – even though he was more than likely searching for information before he tore your throat out while I was actually honest. Damon didn't brag (for once) but I knew he rarely needed to use to compulsion to get information from people.

And then there's Elena. But I won't go into that.

Ever since Katherine (again, something else I won't go into) he has been trying to destroy me. Okay, maybe destroy is too far. How about, trying to make my life hell?

Look how he attempted to get me found out in this town; how he toyed with the people closest to Elena. I always thought Damon would never go that far, but of course he would prove me wrong. Who can blame me from hating him? Those happy childhood memories of Damon being my big brother – my kind brother, my loving brother, my protector – still remained, but they grew dusty and faded. I never forgot them, but I recalled them less and less often.

I attempted to cut him out of my life – many times, actually, but he kept crawling back in my life. And I could never deal the final blow. Yes, I – the perfect Stefan Salvatore, at my worst moments, wondered if killing my brother would be the better thing for everyone. But I never could.

Even when fate itself was working towards that: for instance, when Damon was trapped in a burning building, he had no means of escape. It would have been so easy, just to let him burn. After all, who's to say I could have done anything to get him out?

But even before I knew Bonnie could help me, even before I could think about my own safety, even before I could even_ think_, I ran into the building. The heat burnt the air which touched my skin, teasing, taunting me with what it could do. It could destroy me; make my death so very painful. But I went in after him, and brought him back out (that was a miracle in itself).

I saved him. Of course I did. He's my brother.

Our relationship is complicated. I hate Damon, I do, no one can deny it.

But I love him too. And that's where the problem lies.

**xXx **

I love my brother.

I have every reason not to: he was my father's favourite; he gets everyone affection from a single sentence while I have to fight from every scrap of love I ever got; he found it easy to achieve anything that he wanted.

And then there's Elena. But I won't go into that.

But I can't help it – I love Stefan. I suppose it's natural – after all, he is my brother, and my baby brother at that. I was the one who taught him how to chat up girls and, before that, how to fish and swim and all of that. I was his confidant, and he was mine. Father, the old goat, disapproved of so many things that it was impossible to keep him happy, though Stefan seemed to be spotless in front of my father.

Stefan thinks I hate him – everyone does. Like I said before, I have every reason to. And I play the part well, don't I? I pretend like I don't care, I make trouble for him, I cause problems between him and others (particularly Elena). It's always a bit of fun – hey, someone my age, I need some new entertainment. Stefan's always good for a laugh – he takes everyone so bloody _seriously, _he needs to take a break.

But I don't hate Stefan. Alright, that's a lie, I do hate him. But if I hated him, and I mean really hated him, doesn't it stand to reason that I would kill him? Why shouldn't I? Kill Stefan and _boom_, all of a sudden my problems are solved. Revenge would be sweet, like an entire cotton candy machine kind of sweet.

I can't do it. I'll be the first to admit I have psychological issues – the problems with my father, my trust issues (thanks to Katherine Pierce. Lovely girl, isn't she?), the amount of people I have killed – but if I killed my brother, that would mess me up. Ironic really, but if I killed Stefan I don't think I would be able to live myself. I would not be able to look in the mirror and, really, with my face, wouldn't that be disastrous? You only have to look to the bible to realise that one of the greatest sins you can commit is killing your own brother.

There are many times that I have proven that I could not bear to let Stefan die. When that fucking Logan Fell shot him, I heard it from miles away. No, not the shot, Stefan's cry of pain. It was as if I was attuned to it. When I got there, I didn't think – instead I did what came naturally. After I had disposed of him I made sure the bullet was out of Stefan. And I lied to him. Of course I lied to him.

The second time I saved him made it harder for him to believe it. But that attack was serious. Those tomb vampires meant business. When I saw them hurt Stefan... I can't describe it. There wasn't just my anger, though that flamed up inside of me. No, my chest – dare I say my heart? – cried out too. I felt scared – yes, scared for my baby brother. In an instant I fully believe I would have traded places with him in a heartbeat. I knew I would be able to handle what they dished out, but I doubted Stefan could.

I saved him. Of course I saved him. He's my brother.

I love my little brother. In the films, love conquers all, doesn't it? You think it's that easy. But it's not, not when you hate someone too.

I wish I could say I could forget all my pain with Stefan. Every day I get up and tell myself I can, but every day something reminds me of all the anger I have built up inside me. Before I know it, I am furious would him before he's even spoken to me.

I love Stefan, but I hate him too. That's why it's so complicated.


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey guys! **

**So here's the next chapter of my story! I must say, I actually enjoyed writing from John's POV – it felt really natural. I'm warming to John just a little bit – after all, you can't deny he makes things interesting. He also has a softer side, more than Isabel (speaks one that has not seen episode 2x17 – hate living in UK – so no spoilers please! The annoying thing is I could actually watch it via the internet, but I promised my mum we would watch it together. Yes, my mother who is...well, let's say a respectable age, likes **_**Vampire Diaries. **_**She has good taste). **

**Anyway, I want to say thank you to those who has reviewed my stories – any writer can understand how much they mean to me, so thank you from the bottom of my heart. **

**Happy reading! **

**xXx **

I never wanted to be a parent. Let me just say that here and now. Having kids was never part of the plan. I was too ambitious for that. But that's sod's law for you.

Isabel became pregnant. She was the only person who was more ambitious than I was, so what a pair of excited parents we made. She didn't even want the baby – I had to convince her not to have an abortion. My daughter would be surprised to find that I am not completely heartless.

I knew Isabel didn't feel the same way as I did. I had to entice with my stories of vampires, which she had a fascination with. If I'm honest I wish I had never told her them – maybe things would have turned out differently.

Isabel did not call me when she went into labour. Instead she went to my brother, who was a doctor, and delivered it. I had never told him about Isabel and the baby, but he knew that I adored Isabel and put two and two together. We had a big argument about it. He called me a useless parent and reckless; I called him a fool who should keep out of his nose out of other people's business.

"Gave me the baby, Grayson," I told him. "I'll put it up for adoption."

But my brother refused. He informed me that he and Miranda would take care of it. I knew they had been trying to have children. I knew Miranda was getting worried about it – they had almost given up, or gone to see specialists.

"Don't you want to know what it is?" he asked me. I gave him a confused look. "A girl, John. It's a girl."

I nodded once, and repeated, "A girl." Then I turned round and headed towards the door. I could feel a headache coming on, and it seemed there wasn't enough oxygen in the room.

"Do you have a particular name in mind?" he called.

I couldn't believe he was asking me this. I tried to think. I didn't want to be there long. I had never imagined having children, so I hadn't got any names in the back of my head. Well...

"Elena," I told him. "Call her Elena." It's a Spanish name, meaning bright. Don't ask me why I chose this name for her. But at least one of her parents had.

Grayson's stern eyes softened, and he nodded. With that I walked out.

I tried not to visit them too often. When my brother called or emailed, he usually carefully avoided mentioning about Elena. But one Christmas when my poor mother was still alive, she insisted that we all have a family get-together. I knew she was fading, so I agreed. I told my brother that our mother deserved to have a Christmas with both her sons there – after all, it may be the last one. I didn't let myself think that it was because I secretly wanted to see my daughter.

My first thought when I saw her was that she didn't look like either of us. Her hair was as dark as ever, as were her eyes. She wore her hair curly, and proclaimed that she looked like a princess. She seemed mildly curious about me, but didn't pay me much attention. I imagine that I looked like any old grown up to her. Jeremy had just been born by that point, so Elena was paying a lot of attention to him.

It hurt, seeing her. So I tried not to. I only saw my brother's family once or twice a year.

Then he and Miranda died.

Elena was scary then. Physically her wounds and aches would heal. But emotionally... She was depressed. No doctor said that, but it was obvious. She barely spoke to me. Everyone at the funeral said it was a travesty, losing her parents so young. Part of me wanted to admit to her then that I was her father, that both her parents were still alive. But I was a coward. Every time I tried my throat closed up. Besides, by that point Isabel had turned and how could I explain that to Elena? I didn't want to confuse her even more.

But it happened anyway, too soon.

Of all the vampires to find Elena, it _would _be Stefan and Damon. I already knew too much about them from Katherine. The thought of Elena being with them turned my stomach. As soon as I got wind of it, I knew I had to get down there to stop it.

In truth, I wasn't too worried about Stefan. Katherine loved Stefan, so it was only a matter time before she got him back. Damon... Damon scares me, even now. He is unpredictable, passionate, stubborn. More importantly, I see the way he looks at Elena – like a man seeing the sun for the first time.

What scares me the most? Damon holds a lot of the same qualities that Elena does: Elena is unpredictable, passionate, and by God she is stubborn when she wants to be! If she wants something desperately enough, she'll get it. I worry one day I will have to watch her with Damon. I don't think I could bear it.

There was one moment when I was truly scared that the moment had come: I had returned, and Damon, Elena and I were in the Grill. I had my eyes on Elena the whole time, and panicked when I saw her and Damon go into the girl's bathroom. Unfortunately Jenna and Alaric were talking to me (they had ignored me the whole time and _now _they decided to talk to me?) so I couldn't follow them until a few minutes later. They were clearly arguing about something. That's what Damon and Elena do. But Elena was looking at him as if... As if she _believed _in him. As if she cared. And it terrified me.

I never intended for Elena to find out that I was her father. But she realised anyway – something I blame Damon for once again (he was the one actually smart enough to put two and two together). Deep down, though, I hoped she would. At least then I didn't have to lie to her anymore. It doesn't matter – she still rejected me.

I love her, and I hate it. Why? Because she makes me weak. If I didn't love her, then I wouldn't be here now – I could be off far away, doing any job I wanted. But instead I worry over her. Stefan and Damon Salvatore are bad news, as is Katherine Pierce. Sometimes I toy with the idea of taking her away to live with me. I know she wouldn't come willingly, but desperate times call for desperate measures. I can't imagine Isabel joining us, but at least I could keep her safe. She would still hate me, but she'd be safe with me. At the end of the day, a parent doesn't care about being loved by the children – they would rather they'd be safe. I'd be able to be a real father to her, finally.

I love my daughter, and I hate her because she's just like me – she falls for people that isn't meant to. You can decide for yourself which Salvatore brother I mean.


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey fellow Vampire lovers! **

**So I'm dead excited because **_**Vampire Diaries **_**is finally returning to the UK (no pun intended lol) and my life can begin again! **

**I just want to say I may have got these details a bit muddled in this chapter – but considering neither Trevor or Rose are in the show anymore (sob. I wanted Rose in it, just as a friend to Damon) I don't think it matters so much. I've never written from Rose's POV before, so it's kinda new to me. I hope it's okay!**

**It's kinda short, but I promise that the next chapters are going to be longer!**

**Once again thank you for the reviews! I love people who review – THEY'RE THE BEST AND I'M WRITING THIS STORY FOR YOU GUYS!**

**Hope you enjoy it!**

**xXx**

Trevor was bad news from the beginning, I knew that. But you're usually most tempted by the thing that's the worst for you. I didn't know it, but Trevor was the worst thing for me.

And the best.

I was a naive young girl, even when I became a vampire. Okay, a lot of my dreams had been destroyed when I was turned by Elijah – but that's another story. Still, I would not let myself give up on love. My parents had been hopelessly attached to each other and, while that made them pretty sucky parents, it gave me the belief in love – I guess I have to thank them for that.

Trevor was the first vampire I had met – besides Elijah. He came towards me and took me towards the window. I instantly knew he was like me. It's not as if vampires can sense each other. I can't explain it, even now.

I don't know what Trevor and I were. We had a relationship that you couldn't really put a label on. It was intense, definitely. I mean, we were running from Klaus. Of course our relationship was intense. Who else could we confided in but each other?

Katherine Pierce. That girl was worse than anyone else – possibly even Klaus. She was the one who started all of this. If she had seduced Trevor he wouldn't have protected her, and she wouldn't have turned and Trevor and I wouldn't have had to go on the run. She's lucky I didn't meet her again, because this time I would have made it painful.

We went all round the world, Trevor and I. We went to Paris first, and for a fleeting moment I was dazzled by the sights of the city. Naturally we could only see it at night, but it was still one of the best places I had ever been. I adored Paris, and we kept going back until Klaus saw the pattern and tracked us down. We only just escaped then.

A lot of the time we were running, but we did have some good moments: like in Africa, or Brazil, or even Australia. Obviously we couldn't go out during the day, so we had that time to ourselves. I remember that we spent one day in a hotel (blinds closed, of course) and lay on the bed. We had spent an entire night drinking, and were now healing. I had my nose nestled in the crook of Trevor's arm. He smelt like blood, alcohol, and chocolate. That's what Trevor always smelt like. It's funny, how I used to hate the stink of alcohol before I met Trevor. Now I find myself craving it – maybe that's why I hooked up with Damon. The guy was always drinking.

I understand Damon though. Like I told Elena, he's like me.

I hate – _hated _– loving Trevor, because he dragged me into this. If I hadn't gone along with his plan, I would have been free. Those many years of running could have been replaced with...I don't know. But I could have been different – better. I could have met another vampire (an image of Damon pops in my head as I think this) and gone off with him. There are more vampire couples then you would think.

But if I hadn't gone with Trevor, then I would not be the person who I am now. I would not have lived that life _with him. _And I can't pretend that I would have been able to live, knowing that I didn't help Trevor when I could. After all, if anything else, he was my friend. Friends look out for each other.

The day he was killed by Elijah was the day everything changed. In some ways, things were better: I didn't have to run anymore. I could be _free_.

But life didn't feel the same after Trevor was gone. It was like I was in a dream – nothing felt real. Maybe subconsciously I wanted to die. Because then I could be with Trevor.

Oh, so now you want me to spill the beans about what happens when you die? Sorry, not gonna happen. You don't get to jump the system and find out what happens ahead of time. You'll have to find out what happens when it's your turn.

Let me tell you one thing though: I'm happy. Draw your own conclusions from that.


	6. Chapter 6

**Hey everybody! **

**So I thought I'd do this chapter because it was something different – I wanted write different kinds of love, not just romance, but family love too. Once again it's a little short, but I think it's enough. **

**I'd like to dedicate this chapter to my parents: yes, they annoy me so God damn much and sometimes I just want to stay at Uni. But every time I get there I always look forward to the weekend when I can go home. Because at the end of the day it's not the building, it's the people inside. They are there when I need to talk, they are there when I want to play Sopio cards (it's a great game, though my mum complained because she said there was too much maths in it) and make me laugh when I want to cry. I never want another set of parents, because they would never match up to the ones I have now. **

**As I'm writing this, ironically, my dad is pestering me to help him make dinner, so I have to go. Hope you enjoy this chapter!**

**xXx **

Let me just get it out in the open: I love my parents, but I wish to God I didn't. Because they're _dead_.

Do you know how hard it is, losing your parents? You can't imagine it. Okay, I guess you could, but it's not the way it turns out. Every kid thinks about losing their parents, but you're still not prepared for it when it happens. Everything you've planned in your life changes. You're parents will not be there when you have your first kid, when you get married – and if you're really unlucky, they won't be around when you graduate for high school.

It hit me hard. I felt so sad _all the time_. Maybe I was depressed, I don't know. The drugs changed that: they made everything numb. Vicki introduced me to them.

I always have the worst luck with girls: Vicki, Anna. Hopefully Bonnie will be different, but sometimes I worry about it. I obviously have a bad track record with girls – what if the same happens with Bonnie? I pray that finally I'll catch a lucky break.

You don't understand how painful it is to remember. Sometimes I want to ask Damon (not Stefan, because Stefan would talk to Elena first, and she'd say no) to remove any memory of them. At least then I wouldn't wake up in the morning and have that excruciating ten second period when I think that they're still alive; when I think they're making breakfast in the morning. And then I remember, and it makes me want to curl up in a ball and go back to sleep.

Don't get me wrong: it wasn't all daises and sunshine. We had arguments: my parents always pestered me about working hard enough at school, because Elena was always an over achiever and made me look bad. My dad in particular wanted me to work hard, like getting a summer job; and my mother always took me clothes shopping, trying to get me to wear "nice shirts" – which would have made me look like a completely dork.

But they're – were – my parents. They are the people that you trust most in the world; who tell you that it's okay to cross the road and teach you how to ride a bike. And then later, taking you to school on your first day; they taught me how to cook, how to play basketball... If you take a look at what skills you have you'll realise that a lot of it came from your parents.

They were the people who understood me, y'know? We had inside jokes and shared stories that always seemed to come up at the most random of times. They knew me better than anyone else.

God, I miss them.

I remember when I found out that they had crashed. I couldn't even drive, so the sheriff had to take me. She didn't bother to make conversation, not that I would have responded. I was numb, staring through the window, going through every scenario in my head.

It was worse then, of course, because I thought that Elena could have been killed too. I could have lost my whole family. Now that I think about it, I was lucky. At least I still have my sister.

But I was told at the hospital that they didn't make it. They had died at the scene.

Why couldn't they have told me at home? Why did they have to bring me to the hospital? Did they want to see me lose it? Really?

I woke up in a hospital bed. Apparently I screamed, punched a hole through a wall, dislocated a nurse's shoulder and had to be injected with a sedative. I don't remember any of this.

How did I deal? Well, I turned to drugs, so you can pretty much guess how I felt. It got better, though I'm not really sure why. It was some time after Vicki was killed by Damon. I wonder if he threw something extra in for me. I don't know.

I wish I could still be angry at Damon and Stefan, for Vicki's sake. But I can't, because at the end of day they've protected Elena. They're protecting my sister from getting killed again, and I can't be mad at them for that.

It's better now, without them. Funnily the whole Vampire-Werewolf-Sacrifice thing makes it easy to forget the pain. But I have setbacks. Like when I walked past the picture of us all at Disney World and spent hours staring at it; or hearing Dad's favourite song on the radio, or when a woman next to me in a restaurant wearing Mom's perfume. All it takes is a second to feel that pain again.

Jenna's been great. And it's nice to have Alaric round too – he's been decent. Elena and I've been doing okay, at least now. We were a mess, but it's true that time heals.

I still miss them. So God damn much. But like I said, I've been lucky. At the end of the day, I've had great parents. We've spent snow days baking cookies and holidays and family dinners and (oh God) game night. My parents were always there to help me with my homework, they never got drunk at parents' evenings, they offered me advice when I needed. Many children have parents who don't get out of bed in the morning or leave them alone to go out drinking. Some children don't even_ have _parents_. _I guess what I'm trying to say is that, even though many parents were taken away from me, at least they were there to begin with.

Even though it hurts because I love them, I'd rather that then hate them.


	7. Chapter 7

**OH MY GOD GUYS! I JUST SAW THE LAST EPISODE OF **_**VAMPIRE DIARIES!**_

**!**

**Isabel dies? Katherine kidnapped? WTF? **

**It was SUCH a good episode! I LOVED it! Well, okay, there wasn't really enough Delena moments, but as long as there's more later I don't care. I can be patient, as long as the ends justifies the means.**

**So here's the next chapter! I suppose it's ironic that this chapter is about Katherine since – well, who knows if she'll stay alive? You knew this one was coming. As much as I want Delena to happen, I don't want Stefan to be unhappy (at least not **_**forever**_**). I can't see who Stefan would go with if not Katherine or Elena. I actually think he would be suited to Caroline, but she's got too many issues with Tyler and Matt, so I doubt that's gonna happen. **

**I would like to mention the next chapter – the final one! Naturally it's the Delena chapter you have all been waiting for – myself included! I've decided that I'm doing them both in one chapter, and it's not going to be in the first person – and the word count is almost twice as long as some chapters. I have to say, there's more action in this chapter. Not to give too much away, it centres around Damon compelling Elena in the "Rose" episode. **

**! **

**Anyway, once again I would like to thank everyone for the reviews! I LOVE YOU GUYS! YOU ROCK!**

**I hope this chapter is to your satisfaction**

**(God I sound posh) **

**xXx **

She's not Katherine. This is what I say to myself every day. I like to pretend that it's a _good _thing that she's not Katherine. But sometimes I can't pretend.

I hate the fact that Katherine's back. Now I have to see her every day and remind myself that while Elena and Katherine look exactly the same, they're completely different.

On paper Elena and I are perfect: she is sweet and dedicated, willing to help people whenever they need it. She will go the extra mile; she will laugh at my jokes even when they're not funny, she will listen to me when I need. She is the perfect girlfriend.

Katherine never pays attention to other people's problems, at least not really. She will never help out a person unless it benefits her. She's a tigress, always on the hunt. She will do anything to survive. She flirts with other guys (my brother is a perfect example of this). She can't resist making trouble for others. She needs to know everything about everybody. She can't stand to lose.

But for some reason I can't get her out of my head.

Katherine was my first love. She seemed so pure to me, back then. I had never been around girls very much, but even I knew Katherine was something special. She was so beautiful, with her curly hair. Before we began to sleep together I use to dream about coiling my fingers round the curls.

I lost my heart to Katherine and my virginity to her too. That was the best time. I remember lying in bed with her in the dark, whispering to each other. She told me about her family. A lot of it was lies: she didn't mention how she'd had a child and how her father had given that child away; she didn't tell me her real name or where she really lived; she didn't tell me they had been murdered by Klaus. But she did tell me that they were all dead, and she did tell me how much she missed them. I think it was the first – only? – honest conversation that we ever had.

But the problem was that Katherine didn't spend all her nights with me. She spent some with Damon too.

Katherine broke my heart too. I didn't realise how much until years later, after I was beginning to feel again. I had not only lost her, but my brother too, and my way of life. No longer did I have the simple life of living and taking a wife and having kids. There were some things I would never be able to do again. Thanks to Katherine.

That's when I began to hate her.

She destroyed my relationship with my brother. Every day Damon made a cruel comment, every day he made a problem of mine worse, every day he told me he hated me, I would be reminded of what Katherine had done to us. And that's what made me hate her more.

Yet... I dare not even say it to myself. I know what could happen if I was with Katherine again. I don't know how Damon would react. But I can't deny my heart...

I think I'm in love with her. Again.

Or is it again? Maybe I simply never stopped loving her. My relationship with Elena is a clear sign that I have problems.

I was drawn to Elena right from the start. Why? Because she looked like Katherine. That's it. If it had been someone else – Caroline or even Bonnie – I would have just rescued her and then walked away. But Elena was the spitting image of Katherine. It made me pause.

Of course that would make me curious. You could say I was even being _responsible, _making sure Elena wasn't Katherine. I stalked her, making sure that there was a heart beating in that chest of hers.

I had a relationship with Elena because I wanted that feeling back. I know it now, though I tried to deny it. I wanted that rush of exhilaration, that peaceful feeling, that feeling of flying. I wanted my first love back.

But Elena is not Katherine.

I never got _that _feeling with Elena. Never. I mean I feel _something _for Elena, otherwise I wouldn't stay with her. Before Katherine returned, I decided that this was what love felt like. This was what true love really was, not what I had with Katherine.

But then she came back.

Let me tell you a secret: when she walked through that door, when Damon and Elena were at the hospital with Caroline and John, I _knew _it was Katherine. I mean, c'mon, how obvious was it? When she walked, her hair flew behind her like power was emanating from her body; she had the sort of confidence that people who were only seventeen couldn't possibly possess. How could I not know it was Katherine?

I hugged her. For a second I just wanted to be back in 1864, where my father loved me and where I believed Katherine was the more honest, beautiful girl in the whole world, and where I believed I would always be best friends with my brother.

But I had to come back to reality.

I was angry with Katherine at first: for turning Caroline, for hurting Jenna. But most importantly, I was angry because she made Elena break up with me. I was so angry then, I just wanted her gone. I was prepared to _stake _her because of it – though admittedly, not as much as Damon was.

It was when she came back out of the tomb that things began to change. It was subtle at first, but I began to notice that she didn't look at me when I walked into a room anymore; she ignored me most of the time. She began talking to Damon more often instead.

Does she care about me? Does she still love me like she said she did?

It scared me. That's why I said I didn't want anything to do with her. I didn't want to get hurt again, and I didn't want it to destroy my relationship with my brother that was slowly rebuilding itself.

So why do I dream about her all the time? I can't believe she's putting those images in my head, thought part of me wishes she was. I wake up sweating and tell Elena it's nothing. I'm not sure she believes me, but unlike Katherine, she doesn't pry.

But Elena is not Katherine. That's the problem.


	8. Chapter 8

**Okay people...HERE IT IS! **

**The FINAL chapter!**

**Now I don't know about the rest of you, but this is the chapter I've been waiting for! Once I wrote this story I knew Damon and Elena would definitely feature a big part in it. But I fought off the urge to just make the story about them, or even put them first, because then I would never write about the others – and as I said earlier, there's so much love and hate in **_**Vampire Diaries**_**, I was really spoilt for choice. **

**I am really proud of this chapter. As you can see, there's more words in this chapter than some certain chapters put together! But it's Damon and Elena, and you can't really express them in a small number of words. I think I've addressed a lot of issues about Damon and Elena in this chapter, some things I've really wanted to write for a while, so I'm glad I finally did!**

**Unfortunately this story hasn't got the reception I was hoping. However, a few special people have faithfully reviewed, and I would like to thank them: Tinkerbell90, bibi 13ca, driver picks the music, claudiadub, ItWasYouAlwaysYou, 2serendipity, ****Vampire-Diaries-Addict-Forever, The Green Eyed Cat and Itisjustmyself (I don't think I've left anyone out, and I apologise if I have! Thank you for reviewing!). I want to say to you all that your reviews have inspired me to complete this story, and without your thoughts and encouragement I couldn't have done it. So, thank you. **

**Well...I think that's it. So, for the last time, on with the story! **

**xXx **

Life is cruel. Life is filled with missed opportunities and broken promises. Has it ever occurred to you how incredibly hard it is to find true love? To find that perfect person that can calm you when you're in a storm, or make you smile when you're in a crappy mood. Many people think they've found that person, but soon realise that they aren't perfect. Cracks appear in the "perfect" marriage – and the couple either covers the cracks or lets them grow, until they are both on separate sides.

But sometimes – a one in a million chance – those two people find each other. And while their journey is not always fun or even easy, they always go back to each other. They never allow the cracks to separate them.

They always go back to each other.

It's called fate.

**xXx **

Elena Gilbert cannot sleep. She has tried warm milk, tried counting sheep, tried taking deep breathes, but nothing works. So in the end, she does a sure-fire way of getting what's on her mind out: writing in her journal.

_**Friday, 17**__**th**__** June, 2011, 01:23 **_

_**Dear Diary, **_

_**I don't get it. I really don't. Why can't I sleep? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? **_

_**This has been going on for weeks now. I can't even remember when it started. I just keep waking up in the night, and that's when I fall asleep at all. I know I annoy Stefan. He's so sweet when he's concerned, but now it's just sad. I want to **__**sleep.**__** WHY? **_

Elena bites her pen, staring at the wall. She knows why she can't sleep. It's the dream.

She keeps having the same dream, over and over again. It causes her to wake up, gasping and sweating. But the problem with the dream is that Elena cannot remember what in God's name _happens_. She remembers fragments, like a voice talking saying "Cute PJs", the taste of mint in her mouth, and her vervain necklace dangling in front of her.

What is it with this dream? Why has it bothered her so much?

Eventually she falls to sleep, and wakes up again. But this time, after she's calmed down, she has hope.

_Damon stands, coming towards her. I tense up. "Brought you this." He dangles the necklace in front of her. _

Damon?

**xXx **

It's just a dream. That's what Elena tries to tell herself. But as she sits in class not listening to a word that is being said (Alaric's, and though he won't give her a hard time for not listening because obviously he knows how much she's going through, she still feels bad) she realises that she needs to see Damon. _If it's affecting my personal life, then it's obviously important. _The bell rings suddenly, awaking Elena. Bonnie and Stefan, who both sit on opposite sides on her, both look at her in surprise. Elena gives them a weak smile.

"Are you okay?" Stefan asks once they're out in the hallway.

Elena sends him a reassuring smile. "I'm fine Stefan," she says, running a hand through her hair. "I'm just a little tired, that's all."

Stefan smiles, walking with her to her locker. "Don't worry – we'll get Klaus soon, and then everything can go back to normal."

Concentrating on putting her books away, Elena nods.

"Or are you still having problems sleeping?" Stefan continues.

Elena sighs. "I don't know what's wrong with me," she mutters. "I've been having this problem for weeks."

Stefan pulls her into a hug. "It's okay. It's probably just stress or something. Like I said, once Klaus is gone, everything will be fine."

Right now though, Elena finds it hard to believe that. Somehow things right now seem bad, despite the fact that no one had died today or been turned or been bitten by a werewolf etc. She wants...she wants life to be _simple_. Sometimes Elena wonders if she would have been happier if she had never met Stefan or Damon – then maybe none of this would have happened.

But that was a stupid way of thinking. At the end of the day, she still looked like Katherine.

"D'you want to do something after school?" he asks her.

She shakes her head. "I think I'm just going to go home and see if I can get some sleep."

Stefan nods. "Okay. Have fun in English Lit."

Elena smiles and gives him a limp wave as he walks away. She then shoves all her school books in the locker and walks out the building.

She can't be pestered with the rest of the school day. She would have English Lit and Chemistry, and while she loves English Lit, she wasn't in the mood for Chemistry today. Besides, she couldn't get the dream out of her head, and she needs to talk to Damon.

**xXx **

When all the teens are in high school along with Alaric, and when he doesn't have a Founders Meeting, and when there isn't a crisis, Damon actually enjoys the day. He has decided to indulge himself today. He super speeds to the bakery to get a selection of cakes before crawling back into bed and grabbing a book. Though Damon did buy new books, he usually preferred the classics; he is currently reading _Pride and Prejudice_. Aside from _Gone With The Wind_, it's his favourite book. He realises that they're slightly girly choices, but if he's honest he's never been the butch type.

He hears the front door slam and tenses, listening. Almost instantly he can tell its Elena by the way she walks, and her perfume. He debates about going to see her; he's slightly curious about why she's here when she has at least another two hours of school left. But right now he's too comfortable to be bothered.

Besides, sometimes it's just too painful to talk to Elena. Sometimes it's too painful to even _look _at Elena.

He turns on his side, reading his book. He's going to the part where Elizabeth and Mr Darcy first meet – one of his favourite parts. And he's also in the middle of an éclair. But he senses her coming up the stairs, towards his room, and he can only guess why she wants to talk to him.

A few seconds before she comes in his room, he quickly whips his shirt off so his chest is showing. _May as well show the girl what's she's missing. _

Elena gently taps on the bedroom door. "Damon?"

"What can I do for you, Little Miss Skiver?" Damon asks without looking up.

She walks towards him. "What're you reading?"

Damon doesn't really want to show her, just because it means she'll have another piece of him. After all, she already has his heart.

He stuffs it under the covers. Elena leans on the bed, peering as if she can see through covers. "And here I was, thinking you were a good girl."

"And here I was, thinking you didn't read books like _Pride and Prejudice._" She reaches over and tears off a piece of éclair; Damon slaps her hand away, but not before she's popped it in her mouth. "What's with the desserts?"

"I like sweet things," he says, making his eyes at her. She rolls her brown ones at him.

But as much as Damon pretends he's the ultimate flirt, it's a struggle sometimes to flirt with her. So he takes the conversation forward.

"So why you here then? Besides to see my gorgeous self?"

Sometimes he can't turn it off. Other times he worries that if he _doesn't _flirt with her, it won't seem right.

As he's thinking this, he realises that Elena looks nervous. She stares down at her hands, and then steals a corner of his chocolate cherry pie. Damon glowers at her, but she doesn't notice.

"I wanted to talk to you about something," Elena says. She looks at him in the face. "I've been having this...dream recently. And it's confusing me. I mean, it's not letting me sleep or anything, and it's just-" she breaks off, trying to find the right words. "It's gotten into my head."

Damon furrows his brow. "Tell me about it."

"What do you think-"

"It could be something Klaus is trying to do. Maybe he's got a witch casting a spell on you." He leans forward. "Tell me about it," he says, his silver eyes begging.

Elena frowns, biting her lip. "It's hard. Like it's almost blocked." She closes her eyes. "I remember... It's like bits and pieces. There's a voice that says 'Cute PJs', so I think it's night, and my vervain necklace, and the reason I've come to talk to you about it is because I saw _you _in the dream, and you were giving me back my necklace... Damon?"

His face has somehow gotten whiter than before. Elena knows he knows something. "Damon, what is it?"

"Nothing," he says quickly, trying to cover up his mistake. But his face is tight and closed, showing how he feels on the subject. "It's fine Elena. It's probably just a dream."

"Damon, you know something," she says. She is even surer by the way he gets up. She is momentarily distracted by the way he is dressed – or rather, not dressed – but presses on. "Seriously Damon, I need to know."

"It's nothing." His voice has a steely tone as he goes to his bathroom. "Forget it."

"_No! _I've lost sleep over this!" She doesn't want to go in the bathroom with him, but dammit if she needs to she will. "I don't understand-"

She sucks in her breath. Suddenly all the pieces of the puzzle fit together. She freezes, staring at Damon, who is studiously ignoring her. It's as if he already knows what she's thinking.

"You compelled me, didn't you?" she says quietly. It's not really a question.

Damon turns, his eyes wide and serious. _He's putting on his menacing look_, Elena thinks. "Leave it Elena. You don't know what you're talking about."

It did nothing but condemn Elena's thoughts. Her rage suddenly grows from the pit of her stomach. It's as if it had always been there, lying in wait, as if she was already mad at him for something. "You _compelled _me? How could you Damon?"

Damon steps away, heading into the shower. "I don't want to talk about this-"

"Why?" Elena growls. "Why did you compel me? What did you do?"

"Hypothetically, let's say I did something to you." The glass on the shower is fogged up, so Elena can't see his face. "Can't you just trust that what I did was the best thing for you?"

"_No_."

"_Why not?_"

"Because it's affected me Damon! Because for some reason whatever you've done to me has changed me!" Elena quickly blinks back the feeling of a stinging behind her eyes. "I'm _different _now Damon. I feel as if there's something _wrong _– I have for ages – but I never knew what it meant until..." Her thoughts are a whirlwind of emotion and she cannot control them. She wants to scream and cry all at the same time. "Please Damon," she says, her voice normal. "Please tell me what you did."

He slides the door open and his face looks at hers. His eyes are void of emotion when he says, "No."

Those words somehow calm her. She squares her shoulder, and determinedly looks him in the eye. "Then I'll find out some other way."

As soon as she leaves Damon slams his hand against the wall. It leaves a huge dent, ruining the decor. "What the fuck?" he yells. How had it happened? He had _compelled _her. She wasn't supposed to remember anything!

How was it that she could remember?

**xXx **

School isn't over yet, so Elena drives home first and takes to pacing up and down her bedroom. She is so furious that she can't even think straight. She wants to throw something, scream, break something, but she restrains herself.

Deep down, she had known. Something had happened, though she can't really remember when – it must have been something after the masquerade ball, or after being kidnapped? It was sometime after that she felt...different. Empty.

Once school is finished Elena walks over to Bonnie's. Usually she would drive, but she was so angry she settled for a brisk walk. She is worried that Bonnie's father or her brother will be there (she still isn't sure how she feels about her brother dating her best friend, but she figures that if they want to, who's she to stop them?) but thankfully it's just Bonnie.

"What's going on? I didn't see you in Chemistry."

Elena doesn't answer right away, pacing in the hallway. Bonnie watches with wide eyes, concerned. She hasn't seen Elena like this since Jenna had been in the hospital after being compelled by Katherine.

Finally Elena glances at Bonnie. "I think Damon compelled me."

"_What?" _Though despite the initial reaction,Bonnie can't say she's surprised. "When? To do what?"

"I think he had me forget something – but Bonnie, I remember! Some of it. I keep on seeing it in my dreams. That's how I know Damon was involved – I saw him!"

"But how can you know about it?" Bonnie asks. "If a vampire compels you to forget something, you'll forget it."

Elena shrugs irritably. Bonnie bites her lip, worried. A vampire's compulsion is so powerful, the only thing that can break through is something very monumental. If Damon had said or done something to Elena, it must have been something big. It immediately makes Bonnie feel on edge.

"Are you sure that you want to know, Elena?" Bonnie asks, a little timidly. "Whatever this is, it's probably going to affect in some way. Is it so hard to not know?"

She instantly knows this is the wrong thing to say. "No Bonnie, I can't," Elena snaps. "It's killing me, slowly. It may take years, but eventually it will. And it's the fact I don't know that killing me. How can I fix it if I don't know what I need to fix?"

Bonnie shakes her head. "I'm just worried that it'll ruin things."

Elena doesn't question what she means. "I need to know."

Bonnie sighs. She knew this would happen. This is Elena – once she wants something badly enough, she'll get it, one way or another. She knows it's easier to go along with her.

"I think I may know how to get the memory back," she says slowly. "It could take some time, and if it's traumatic it'll be painful."

"I don't care," Elena says. Her mouth is set in a thin line. "I need to know."

Bonnie shakes her head. "Don't say I didn't warn you."

**xXx **

It takes until nine, and its torture for Elena. Not one for patience in normal circumstances, Elena tries to do homework, but gives in and ends up baking two trays of brownies and writing in her journal.

_**Friday, 17**__**th**__** June, 2011 20:41 **_

_**Dear Diary, **_

_**Damon compelled me to forget something. I just don't know what or why. **_

_**Why did he do it? Whatever he's done to me, it can't be good. Why else would he do it? **_

_**This is Damon. He doesn't do anything without a reason. He must not want me to know something important. **_

_**I can't help but think that Damon told me something. And whatever it was must have been so **__**emotional **__**twisted that he erased any memory of it. **_

_**No. Damon's a good guy, I know he is. **__**Sometimes I even think he's better than Stefan **__**He just does stupid things sometimes. I can forgive him, I think. I don't think he did anything to Jeremy or Jenna – surely there would be signs. Does Stefan know? No, he would have told me. **_

_**Then again, Stefan has lied to me before. I trust him now, I do, **__**but sometimes I get the feeling that he could easily lie to me again **_

_**ARGH! I CAN'T WRITE! NOT WHEN I FEEL LIKE THIS! **_

"Elena, it's ready!" Bonnie calls.

A second later Elena is in the bedroom. She sits herself down on the bed opposite her friend. "So, what you gonna do to me?"

In response, Bonnie hands her a water bottle – except it's not filled with water, but some pink thick thing that looks like a bad strawberry smoothie. Elena raises an eyebrow.

"It's a potion. What it's going to do to you is make you fall asleep and you'll see what Damon compelled you to forget."

"Great," says Elena with a smile. Bonnie rests her hand on Elena's, getting her friend's attention.

"I've never made a potion like this before," Bonnie admits. "It all looks right, but I still can't say for certain."

"I don't care," Elena says. She's said it so much that it sounds repetitive.

"Okay," Bonnie says, nodding. She has resigned herself to this fate. "I've put two strong sedatives in there, so you'll probably go to sleep immediately. I thought you'd want that."

Elena grins gratefully. "Thanks Bonnie, I owe you." She gets up and slips on her shoes.

Bonnie looks surprise. "You're not taking it now?"

"No," Elena says. She doesn't know what she's going to see, but she knows that she wants to wake up alone when she sees it.

**xXx **

It's the vilest thing she has ever drunk. Elena has to hold her breath as she drinks it – if she wasn't desperate to see the memory she wouldn't put it in her mouth at all. It works almost immediately; her eyelids are heavy, and she closes her eyes and falls asleep in a second.

_I can see my former self in the mirror, brushing her (my?) teeth. So far so good. I already remember this bit, so I'm not surprised. I watch as my former self turns the light off and walks into the bedroom. She freezes when she sees Damon. _

_My heart takes a leap when Damon smiles at my former self. "Cute PJs," he says. _

_My former self regards him warily. "I'm tired Damon." _

_He stands up and walks towards her. "Brought you this," he says, waving my vervain necklace. He sends a smile that seems almost broken, and when I see it I feel my own heart ache. _

_My former self looks surprised. "I thought that was gone," she says. I'm beginning to remember when this was now – it _must _have been after Rose had kidnapped me. When else did I lose my necklace? But I'm too busy watching the scene in front of me to think much._

"_Thank you," she says gratefully, reaching out to take it. He jerks it back. The smile has gone from his face as well as hers. She looks worried now. "Please give it back."_

"_I just have to say something." _

_She takes a step back. "Why d'you have to say it without my necklace?" I can practically feel her heart hammering – then again, maybe it's because my own heart is beating like the wings of a humming bird._

"_Well...because what I'm about to say is..." He pauses, seeming to think. I can't help but want to scream at him to just spit it out. "...probably the most selfish thing I've ever said in my life."_

"_Damon, don't go there-"_

"_I just have to say it once. You just need to hear it."_

_Don't say it. _

"_I love you, Elena." _

_Don't cry. Don't cry._

"_And it's because I love you...that I can't be selfish with you. And why you can't know this. I don't deserve you...but my brother does." _

_Can't he see the way I'm looking at him? Can't he see that I can see the shine of his eyes? _

_He leans forward, I can tell my former self thinks he's going to kiss her on the lips. But instead he kisses her on the forehead. His eyes are closed. My eyes are streaming with tears, but I wipe them away. I need to see this. _

_I can see him breathe in my scent, and when he opens his eyes he has a haunted look. My former self looks shaken. _

"_God, I wish you didn't have to forget this," he says, searching her eyes. _

For God's sake, SAY SOMETHING! _I yell, though neither of them can hear me, of course. _

_He strokes the side of my former self's face. "But you do." I am quick enough to catch a tear fall from Damon's eye, and that breaks my heart even more. _

_A second later it is only my former self and I in the bedroom. She looks round, bemused, fingering the necklace. And then everything goes black. _

She wakes up crying. Not crying – sobbing.

"Elena! _Elena!_" For some reason Stefan is there. Elena vaguely remembers ignoring phone calls from him. He must have been concerned. _But what does it matter? _Elena thinks. _What does any of it matter anymore? _

Through her tears she is aware of Jenna stumbling in the room, of Jeremy entering, all of them calling her name and asking what was wrong and what had happened, but Elena can't answer them. She tries to push away from Stefan's grasp, but he holds on too tight.

"Let me go!" she sobs.

"Elena," Stefan presses. His face is desperate, and all Elena wants to do is slap him. "Tell me what's wrong? Was it the dream?"

_Yes_. "_Let me go!_"

"Dude let go of her!" Jeremy forces Stefan to let go – he must have the element of surprise. Elena dashes into her bathroom and slams the door closed, making sure it's locked. She then allows herself to sob, properly sob. It's the kind of crying that causes your throat to ache and nose to block and your chest to move. She can't stop it.

She can hear them banging on the door, begging to be let in. Elena can't bear to see any of them. How the fuck can she talk to them?

Why didn't she talk to Damon? Why the _fuck _didn't she say anything? Why didn't he let her make her own decision?

She's not sure how long she's crying before she hears silence. She takes a surprised breath, attempting to clear her head.

What did she do now? Could she really go on living her life the same way she had previously? Could she really go on loving Stefan?

She hears voices again, and sucks her breath again. She's trying to keep quiet now. She's acting like an idiot. She needs to calm down. She needs to breathe.

"Elena."

She can't breathe. The one person that she _absolutely could not see _was out in her bedroom.

She turns round and flings the door open. There are other people in the room, but all she sees if Damon. He stares at her, giving her that smouldering gaze of his. She returns it with a look of intensity, not allowing her gaze to break from his, wanting him to see how much he's hurt her. He doesn't say anything, simply turns away and leaves the room (at normal speed, considering Jenna is in the room). Elena slams the bathroom door before Stefan, Jeremy or Jenna can say anything.

**xXx **

She spends the entire night in the bathroom. She had finally fallen asleep around, what she guessed was four in the morning, and though she couldn't tell what time it was, sunlight was flirting through the window when she woke.

She goes out of the bathroom and Stefan immediately confronts her. "Elena, what the hell is going on?"

She takes a shaky breath. "I can't talk with you right now, Stefan. I have some other stuff that I need to deal with right now." She moves past him, to the drawers.

Stefan turns to her, speechless. She can tell he's mad – maybe it's out of concern, but he's still mad. And Elena doesn't really want to deal with it right now. She has bigger problems.

"Elena, I need you to talk to me." He turns her round, placing his hands on her shoulders. "Please, tell me what's wrong."

"What can you do for me Stefan?" Elena asks, exasperate.

"I can't do anything unless you tell me."

"Stefan, _no_."

Elena is aware of Stefan staring at her. Very quietly, he says, "Is this about Damon?"

She closes her eyes. She should have known what was coming. "In a way," she admits.

Stefan nods, tight lipped. He crosses his arms. "Elena, Damon is my brother, and he's been a big help with this whole Klaus business – but he's still manipulative. As for as our relationship is concerned-"

"I can't _talk _about this-"

"Elena please-"

"_No_." Elena whirls round, her hair swinging over her face. "I do _not _want to talk about this with _you_ Stefan. Know why? D'you really want to know why?" She runs a hand through her hair. "Because I cheated on a book report."

Stefan does a double take. "Huh?"

"I was stressed and dealing with this whole Klaus business, and I didn't have time to do it, so I just read the notes of another review and put it in my own words."

Stefan eyes shift on Elena. "Okay..."

"What I'm trying to say is that I'm not perfect Stefan. You want this shiny, wrapped up girlfriend, and I'm trying to be but-" Her voice cracks. She glances down, trying to fight back tears. She's so unbelievable tired. She just wants to crawl into bed with a good book. "I can't," she whispers. "I can't be who you want me to be Stefan. It's too exhausting. I need someone who accepts me for who I am, flaws and all."

"Elena-"

She holds up her hand. "I think we need some time apart."

Stefan's eyes goggle out of his head. His jaw works silently until he finally finds the right words. "Are you...breaking up with me?"

Elena can't say that she's never thought about breaking up with Stefan, but she always thought it would be more painful. She's not numb: her chest feels a little tight and she feels tears pricking behind her eyes. But why isn't her world crashing down? Why isn't she more devastated?

"I can't do this anymore Stefan. I need time to decide what I want. It's not about Damon, because I know that's what you're going to say. It's about me and you. We're perfect on paper, but in reality..." She raises her face towards him, needing to look at him when she says this. "I just don't think we're compatible."

Stefan observes her, his gaze suddenly hostile. She feels as if he would happily set her on fire and watch her burn. Elena has never seen this side of him before.

" Okay," he says, his eyes burning her. "If that's what you want."

"Thank you," she murmurs, her eyes on the floor. Suddenly it seems too hard to look at Stefan, and so she keeps her eyes on the ground. When she cautiously lifts her head again, he's gone.

Elena screws her face up and chokes out a sob. She slides down the fall and allows herself to have a cry, because so much has happened and she needs to have time to adjust.

But to her surprise the crying doesn't last long. She stays leaning against the bed, breathing slowly. She and Stefan had a good run really, considering... And at least now she doesn't have to worry about whether he thinks of her as a replacement for Katherine.

Elena goes in the shower and washes her hair. She takes time dressing, making sure she looks good. At first she debates about wearing a skirt or dress, but she settles for jeans and her favourite little red top that's really too small her, but makes her look good. She ties her hair back, even though she usually thinks she looks better with her hair down. And she goes without make up, because Damon's had enough pretence in his life.

And then she leaves to see him.

**xXx **

He's in his bedroom when she finds him, by the bookshelf. He freezes when he realises she's there. "Well?" he asks, his voice clipped.

Elena doesn't know what to say. She had driven here because she didn't want to look sweaty, but now that she was actually standing in front of Damon she couldn't find the words that she had been rehearsing so carefully. "Well what?"

He doesn't turn round to face her. "Say what you've come here to say."

Elena enters the room properly, closing the door behind her. She leans against it, her finger playing with the pattern of the wood. "What do you think I'm going to say?"

He whirls round, and Elena winces at the subdued anger on his face. He's like a volcano, ready to burst. "Just say what you came to say Elena!"

Her rage too, bursts. "Like you did?" she says, her voice strained. "When I asked you what was going on before? Or when you told me you loved me?"

It's out in the open then. She knows. In a way he already knew, when she looked at him from the bathroom door after Jeremy had called him, panicked. But now it's been confirmed.

His gaze hardens when he looks at her, and Elena recognises it; he's preparing for disappointment. Preparing for the insults that he expects her to hurl at him, for "it's always going to be Stefan." And that breaks her heart a little.

"You weren't supposed to remember," he tells her.

She raises her head. "But I did."

He waits; she waits.

"I'm not sorry."

"I didn't expect you to be."

They wait a little longer. Elena can see he is getting irritated and so tries to speak, but the words that bubble up inside her don't – or won't – come out.

"For _fuck _sake Elena!" Damon yells. She jumps, startles. "I can't take the silence! Just say what you want to say and get out!"

"Why?" she cries, feeling suddenly near tears. "Are you so desperate for me leave? Are you so scared not to hear what I have to say to you? Can you not stand the silence, the waiting?"

"No I bloody can't!" His breathing is fast. "You don't get it! You don't understand me at all-"

"_I _don't understand you?" She gives a sarcastic laugh. "You've got to be kidding. I know you better than anyone else in the world!"

"Why do you _always _have to argue?" he challenges.

"You should ask yourself the same question."

He makes a noise, something between a yell and a roar, and then shouts, "I hate that I love you!"

She's angry – no, furious. Damon can always do that to her. That's why she doesn't think before she speaks. "Yeah, well, _I _hate the fact that I love you!"

The world, the universe, time itself, seems to stop at that moment. Damon's face freezes, the words on his witty tongue forgotten. He stares at Elena, his silver eyes not leaving her face. She can't tell who is more shocked at the words – her or him. She clenches her fist, suddenly wishing for the noise back. The silence is deafening now.

Slowly he goes towards her. "Say it again."

Elena backs against the door. "What?"

"Say it again." He pins her against the wall, so there's no way to escape. "The last part."

She knows what he wants to say. The look in his eyes, the pure desperation of hearing those words that he needs to hear. Just once how it needs to be said.

So she says three words, eight letters, calmly, clearly: "I love you."

He closes his eyes. He's never heard those words been addressed to him before, never heard them been said out loud before. "Thank you," he whispers. He backs away, freeing her.

Damon had taken a chance by saying "I love you" first (even though technically he took it away again); now Elena wants to take a chance. So she steps forwards to him, as if they're doing a dance, and standing on her tiptoes and kisses him lightly on the lips.

Damon stills, his eyes remaining closed. When she moves away, suddenly shy, he opens his eyes. They are filled with bemusement, but something else too – wide with wonder.

And then he moves forward and kisses her back.

It's not about the kiss – that's the thing. The kiss may be good – _great_, even. But it's always about the feelings: the butterflies in your stomach, the way your heart leaps as if it's a horse jumping over a high fence. It's the way their hands move across your body, holding you so close you can feel the pace of their heartbeats; or how their breath is dancing over their skin, marking it like tattoos.

Elena and Damon break away. "What are you thinking?" he whispers.

What he is really asking is, _is this okay? Are we okay? _

_Do you want to give it a try?_

Kisses with Stefan had never felt that amazing. And that's when Elena knows: this is it. If she couldn't be with a guy that was perfect like Stefan, then she must be in love with Damon.

And she was screwed.

"I'm still angry about what you did," she says. "You shouldn't have left after you told me you loved me. And one day I'm going to do it to you."

The pain comes back to Damon, and he's too tired not to show it. "Then go," he says simply.

Instead though, she goes towards him, taking his hand. Smoothly she leads him to the bed. "I will," she says. "In another hundred years or so."

**xXx **

This is the thing about love that they don't tell you:

No matter how hard you fight it, the people who are made for each other always find their way in the end.

**xXx **

**OMG, it's OVER! This is the first multi-chapter story I've actually completed! Wow!**

**So, since it's the final chapter, could I please have some reviews? Pretty please with ice cream and cherries and strawberry, chocolate and toffee sauce and...with Damon on top? Also I would like an opinion: do people think I should post this chapter out as a separate one-shot? Nothing would change, I just think more people would read it. **

**THANK YOU!**


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